Tiny dancers

One of the most wonderful parts of being a mother of girls is taking them to dance class. I have dreamt about that since my children were born, and even before, when I saw those little squiggles on the camera in my belly. It is one of the many joys of being a mom. Watching them swirl around in tutus, wearing beautiful costumes, and most of all, watching their smiling faces. It's not the music or the movement, necessarily, it is the unabashed joy you feel-like you don't care if anyone is watching, and the thrill that they are. You remember as a dancer what it felt like to move as a synchronized group. I remember that feeling well, and moving to the beautiful music together, I can see that my children feeling as well. Babies begin dancing almost immediately, and you know that you know that it is destined to continue throughout their life. I love that sense of connection with music and beauty.
So it was today, as the mom of two little ones, dressed as princesses and fairies, that I have that joy again. I got to watch them at dance camp "performing" to the music from the movie Frozen. Just joy on their faces. They were nervous, of course. At the end they asked the teacher if they could do one of the silly songs that they loved, the kind of toddler tune that is about fruit. They had no fear or embarrassment with all the cameras, just smiles.
 And after it's over, it is a little bit of a letdown. They don't know quite what to say, they don't want it to be over. The questions of this generation begin. What will you do with that? Will you do this again? Do you want to dance here? What kind of dance? How much? How often? Our poor children. They don't just get to that do casual dance or activity anymore, now it is a week of gymnastics every day with pressure to excel and compete. It's a struggle to maintain a balance- all of the children of this generation will all be in the Olympics, they will all be in the Broadway stage, they will all be successful. How do you let them have fun? How do you relax and just enjoy the dance?

Teeny Accomplishments are so Telling

Natalie was an independent pumper for the first time today. Small, incidental step in her rampaging growth away from toddler-hood into childhood, yes, but in watching her do it I felt like I saw so many layers of who she is and will become.

Nonnie has loved to swing since the day she came home from the hospital. I used to put her in the infant swing and try to sleep in 30 minute increments, get up when she yelped in protest of it slowing down, and start it over again. At the park she wouldn't want to do anything but be pushed in the baby swing. It was tricky when B would want to slide or climb but N would scream if I stopped pushing her. I remember clearly running to get two side-by-side swings so I could push both at the same time.

Now Nonnie is 4, and she loves to be pushed on her baby swing in the backyard. We have two child-sized swings, but she has fervently hung onto the infant swing. Last night she was running full steam across the yard and "flying" like a bird on the swing. Today, she asked to be pushed on the big kid swing. Before we realized it, she was actually pumping on her own. This shouldn't have shocked me, but it did. I've been trying to get her to pump for well over a year-pushing is boring! But she did it, she did. She got going so high she shouted, "thanks for the push mom, I think I can see Africa! Actually, that might be China!" Bailey tried to explain immediately how that is way too far, but she thinks she can se Disney World...hmm.

Natalie still shed some tears when I took down the baby swing, almost  aware that it was the end of an era. Her face as I made dinner, watching her from the window, was awe- inspiring. Pride, joy, and wonder all wrapped up in a purple multi-colored swim suit. I gave her few thumbs-up from the window, just to let her know how cool she really was. It was one of her "best days ever." Sure there are quite a few of those, but I think its more a sign of her fabulous childhood and her grateful, happy soul than overuse or cliche. 

She was on that swing for a long time, all by herself, and perfectly pleased with it.

Accomplishing

When I reflect on what it means to accomplish something substantial, and how I feel about things like diplomas, I tend to downplay them. Anyone can do it, the work was a drag but not daunting, the time invested was manageable, etc. It is a rare day when I stop and leg the weight sink in. This degree, my CAS, does  mean something to me. It has meaning because now I have the ability to shift career paths, and it has meaning because I can share it with my children. Tonight I sat on the front lawn with Natalie, watching the sunset, and (trying) talking about why. Why did I do this degree?? So my girls could choose which college attend, so I could show them the world, so life would be easier for them than for most. The cost is great-loans, time, my attention and patience-but hopefully the payoff will be worth
it someday.

What do you want to be?

It occurred to me early in the school year that I was choosing to transition out of the classroom for many reasons. The ability to pay for the girlies college being primary, but also wanting to feel that I had reached my fullest professional potential. Bailey made a comment before I even started school in September that stopped me on my tracks. Before falling asleep she will often lean over the bed rail and try to engage in conversation, "momma, what does it feel like to be a principal?" It hit me like a ton of bricks. All the female dentists, doctors, and teachers I had purposely surrounded her with suddenly pailed. It was the thought that I could be the example of a female leader that my daughters would see that brought me to my knees. I have spent so much time studying female leaders and what engages I women and girls, but had missed it in my own home.

I took the munchkins, out of necessity, to the dentist with me tonight. While we waited in the exam room I asked Bailey if she'd like to be a dentist when she grows up. Nah, she answered. An architect, nah, a teacher? No, then yes, a teacher. Then she changed her mind and said, "I want to be what you are." I thought she meant an assistant principal, or a tiny principal as she shared with a friend's mom. Nope, she said, "I want to be the one who tells the teachers what to teach, like you!" The best was she took it further and told me she'd be better than me and take my job, complete with evil laughter. Amazing dream come true.

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

It goes without saying that kids absolutely love Christmas.  Being the parent of young children at Christmas time, however, is not so openly praised. What a blast! You forget how fun it is to believe in Santa. That little elf on the shelf is down right creepy. When he first " arrived " this year Bailey was very aware of him and his back story. Natalie marched right over to him and said, "Nope, him pretend. " After we all shrieked at her (in unison) not to touch him, and she started balling, we told her how he has limited magic to go back to Santa every night and that he has to sit quietly untouched and observe us. That seems incredibly odd and scary as I write this, but all craziness and irrationality suddenly become logical at Christmas time...think massive amounts of baking and spending tremendous amounts of money on gift cards (aka cash swap). The fun part for the girls was the game of hide 

-and-seek for elf every morning.

Bailey went to bed each night making some sort of remark about how she couldn't wait to find him in the morning. We are improving, by necessity of course, and we only forgot to relocate the little dude once this year. Not too shabby. 

Santa was a little on the cheap side this year. The girls still don't really have the stamina to open many gifts, and they don't have the paper ripping skills and speed me and Jared had perfected. They got an air hockey table and a few bean bag chairs. The stuffed owls they got were a big hit, and Bailey has loved all the crafting kits. So much fun for me; the glitter stickers and snow globe kits were a freakin hoot. 

All in all, it was fantastic. Their enthusiasm and joy were unmatched. With the beautiful snow, warm fires and friends and family around, it was my most favorite Christmas ever.

Happy Halloween!!

Epic parenting fail..Miscommunication and an assumption that the emails we got from school were being read by Dave, and neither of us made plans to go to the Halloween events a t school and daycare. Bailey came home and sweetly says, "guess what? There were all these moms and mims there, you could've come!" Ugh, totally dropped the ball. What a bummer! I need to get a new a camera. Second, this needs to stick! I don't want to miss this again, I barely have any pics from trick or treating! Plus the kids didn't even wear the costumes we got them, they wore old dress up clothes from the basement. Best part, watching Nonnie climbing up those big steps and shouting Trick-or-treat!! She got tired after a block and wanted go back home, satisfied with her heavy bag of candy. Bailey and I went on and did another block together. What a joy. She ran eagerly up each driveway, then got nervous and timid at the doorway.

She would have marched the whole neighborhood if I would have let her. She was skipping along and happily dropping treats in her sister's bag at each house. She didn't care that it was raining or that we were the only ones out on the streets or that it was  windy and chilly, pure joy. When I was blow drying her hair after a bath she said "hey, let's  go to a party you and me sometime and daddy and Nonnie can come separate." She so loves our time together and so do I.

Starting anew

So many changes in the past few months-house, new schools, new job-it felt like a time to sit and reflect. I'm constantly, and thoughtfully, asked how I feel about my new gig and home. I do love our house, it gave us the yard and space that we sorely needed. Is it perfect, decorated, finished?? Not even close, but the second time it is different. You know you have years, and you know it will never really be "done" so there doesn't seem to be the same urgency we felt the first time. The kids certainly impact that. We don't have the time or cash to go crazy. The new schools are going well for the girls, too. They seem genuinely happy to go, and B is really loving her shorter days. They appear to have just enough time apart to keep them from bickering. Being home in the afternoons has meant a slower pace for them, and one that has led to less exhaustion for them. That is so nice to see-I felt serious guilt over the past few years as the harried pace felt unfair for children so little. Their teachers are nice, they have friends, and they are definitely learning new and different things than they would have at home.
The job is a little more difficult to nail down. I know that the timing was right-change was needed. I'm still quite bored at work, and its making me sedentary. I dread walking around the building, and I know the teachers don't want me peeking in on them. Super awkward and strange to be lurking about. I  don't have an abundance of tasks, just enough to fill the day.  It is rare that I leave something unfinished. This is still odd to me, and I know that it won't last and isn't normal. I see my colleagues frantically racing to get things done, and I feel like I'm meandering through the day. It almost feels strange and other worldly and is starting to make me paranoid, like they don't think I can handle anything. This needs to change, and quick.