Happy Halloween!!

Epic parenting fail..Miscommunication and an assumption that the emails we got from school were being read by Dave, and neither of us made plans to go to the Halloween events a t school and daycare. Bailey came home and sweetly says, "guess what? There were all these moms and mims there, you could've come!" Ugh, totally dropped the ball. What a bummer! I need to get a new a camera. Second, this needs to stick! I don't want to miss this again, I barely have any pics from trick or treating! Plus the kids didn't even wear the costumes we got them, they wore old dress up clothes from the basement. Best part, watching Nonnie climbing up those big steps and shouting Trick-or-treat!! She got tired after a block and wanted go back home, satisfied with her heavy bag of candy. Bailey and I went on and did another block together. What a joy. She ran eagerly up each driveway, then got nervous and timid at the doorway.

She would have marched the whole neighborhood if I would have let her. She was skipping along and happily dropping treats in her sister's bag at each house. She didn't care that it was raining or that we were the only ones out on the streets or that it was  windy and chilly, pure joy. When I was blow drying her hair after a bath she said "hey, let's  go to a party you and me sometime and daddy and Nonnie can come separate." She so loves our time together and so do I.

Starting anew

So many changes in the past few months-house, new schools, new job-it felt like a time to sit and reflect. I'm constantly, and thoughtfully, asked how I feel about my new gig and home. I do love our house, it gave us the yard and space that we sorely needed. Is it perfect, decorated, finished?? Not even close, but the second time it is different. You know you have years, and you know it will never really be "done" so there doesn't seem to be the same urgency we felt the first time. The kids certainly impact that. We don't have the time or cash to go crazy. The new schools are going well for the girls, too. They seem genuinely happy to go, and B is really loving her shorter days. They appear to have just enough time apart to keep them from bickering. Being home in the afternoons has meant a slower pace for them, and one that has led to less exhaustion for them. That is so nice to see-I felt serious guilt over the past few years as the harried pace felt unfair for children so little. Their teachers are nice, they have friends, and they are definitely learning new and different things than they would have at home.
The job is a little more difficult to nail down. I know that the timing was right-change was needed. I'm still quite bored at work, and its making me sedentary. I dread walking around the building, and I know the teachers don't want me peeking in on them. Super awkward and strange to be lurking about. I  don't have an abundance of tasks, just enough to fill the day.  It is rare that I leave something unfinished. This is still odd to me, and I know that it won't last and isn't normal. I see my colleagues frantically racing to get things done, and I feel like I'm meandering through the day. It almost feels strange and other worldly and is starting to make me paranoid, like they don't think I can handle anything. This needs to change, and quick.

First days

Bailey started kindergarten last week. I was so anxious and avoided talking about it to keep from showing her how I felt. She surprised me by picking out her outfit the night before.  Bailey woke up early, got herself ready immediately, and excitedly brushed her hair and teeth. She even co-opted Nonnie into getting ready into an identical outfit. They settled into the couch to watch cartoons and Natalie began to whimper about Bailey leaving. B let Nonnie lay her head in her lap and rubbed her back. B could barely be heard whispering, "it's ok, I'll be right back." Sweetest moment ever. Dave, poppy, Natalie and I walked Bailey to the bus stop. We tried to take pictures without making her too nervous, it was a fine balance. I could see the anxiety on her tight face. When the bus pulled up, she bravely marched up the steps, without hesitation, and climbed up into the bus. The driver confused her by making her come back and pose for a picture. It says it all-her somber half smile.  She can eh one with, "good news and bad news." She made a new friend (yeah!!), but she couldn't find her supplies (we had already dropped them off). Such a relief that she loves her teacher and that she feels safe on her new classroom.

Natalie started nursery school this morning. She woke up with a smile on her face, thank God. She and Bailey had themselves ready, and N was psyched. I drove back from work, not knowing how she would be feeling on her first day. She jumped it of the car, posing happily for pictures on her way onto the building. She put her backpack on the hook, and marched into the classroom. It was chaos, crying children, families picking up their little ones. She saw play dough and that was it. She sat right down next to the boy at the table, waved good bye, and posed for a few more pics. That was it. My baby didn't need me, she was ready to be on her own.

I can't get a handle on why these days were so big for me. My kids have been out of the home at daycare since the early months of their lives. I'm thinking it is because this summer was so great, we had so much fun. We did everything on our to-do list, life was good. It's hard to see the end of anything so fun. Boo fall.

Don't WEget!

My favorite new saying by B, and maybe its not new, but I still don't want to lose it: don't WEget! She speaks so clearly and has made significant strides since she started Tiny Eagles, so how she says forget stands out. Not sure where it came from, but I sure don't want to WEget it!

Natalie is turning three this week. As I felt when B was approaching one, I'm sad, amazed, excited and depressed all wrapped in one big birthday package. I am thrilled at the little spitfire she is becoming; she's creative and funny and loud and fearless. I'm depressed that the babies I wanted all my life are so big and independent. To deal I keep thinking about how much I will someday enjoy my nieces and nephews (hopefully). I love babies, but I really do not want the responsibility of another child. If it happened, fantastic, but the plan doesn't include another.

Frank appeared this week, our first foray into the imaginary friend realm. When we picked up N and B from their grandparents Natalie told me her friend Frank would be having dinner with us. Great! Love a new friend. I got a little skeptical of this new pal when I was booted from the bathroom at potty time; Frank was going to wipe her, I could leave. Watch yourself, Frank.

This morning her humor and creativity was in full effect. Daily she asks me to take her to daycare and pick her up. Her only response is that she likes my car better. I have no idea why this is, but she is consistent and predictable about it. On the way today she told Dave that she liked my car better because it can jump over all the other cars in their way, yes, she is obsessed with red lights and traffic. Wonder where that comes from..anyway, she proceeds to shout, "Jump!" and Dave's car strangely does nothing. "See, daddy? Your car doesn't jump!"

From the mouths..

Do you remember the show, "Kids Say the Darndest Things!"?? That was hysterical. As a mom I've found that nothing, absolutely nothing, is as funny as what your own kids say. I found myself having cocktails the other night repeating my kids' quotes at nauseum, how embarrasing! It is like verbal diahreah, though, you can't stop yourself once you start! For my own enjoyment, and memory, I'd like to capture a few of them here.

B~ (Me: "Do you like that Sister Nicolette?") "No, she wears the same thing every day!"

N~ (to me) "Missa, Can I call you Missa?"
 ~"Get a grip, Granny!"
~ "Let's play; you're going down" with Blake face

Lovable Lovies

Breaking the bottle was brutal; tossing the pacifier was tough; but none of these lovies was nearly as challenging as ending Natalie's obsession with my thumb.

I have this clear memory of story hour one afternoon. Bailey was still crawling The bo-ho hippie girl

Bailey

across from me had her little boy in her lap and he was twirling her hair over and over. She sort-of shrugged and said, "I guess I'm his lovie!" It was so sweet and illustrated for me how close she was with her son. They had bonded, seriously. I wished for a moment where B might want me that badly, ever. She was the baby that came out holding up her head and never, well almost never, held your hand or wanted to be snuggled.

Then came Natalie. She wanted to fall asleep with my hand over her face, and finagled her way to co-sleeping, despite my best efforts to avoid it. I have struggled with the guilt of sending my children to daycare while I selfishly fulfilled my own dreams in the world of work. If my baby needed hugs and snuggles, well then, so be it! She earned them in her 9 hours out of the house.

But, anyway, I have to break Natalie's well-entrenched habit of rubbing my thumb while she falls asleep. Seems like a small thing, and oh how sweet and endearing, but it was depriving us of much needed night time sleep. She was waking near hourly and searching for my thumb to put herself back to sleep, much like any other child would snuggle a blanky. I was her lovie, and she needed me to sleep. I, however, needed sleep without a thumb-raping.

So, it has been a slow process filled with bribery and guilt and doctors. She has tried to convince her grandmothers that their thumbs are ok, that its only mommy's thumb she can't have. The latest is that she can rub my other fingers, "the tinies" she calls them. They aren't my big one, which actually makes some sense.

Natalie, summer 2012 in Orlando, Florida

Tonight we hit a new low. She was insistent on holding and rubbing my pinky finger and began telling me an elaborate tale of why it absolutely needed to be. Apparently, she's making a rainbow and under that rainbow you can have candy and presents. And if I will only help her (by sacrificing my pinky) she can make this rainbow and we can all go there, and my sister and her boyfriend, too! Sounds blissful, and there's a part of me that sincerly hopes that is what she dreams of each night. But alas, my pink is the cost and no closer to independent sleep than we were a month ago.

We all sing to our babies, it is a classic requirement of motherhood-or fatherhood for that matter. My kids have always been huge fans of Twinkle Twinkle.  We occasionally sing "Moon Moon" or "On Top of Spaghetti", but "Up Up in the World So High" is Natalie's current favorite. I can clearly remember the first time Bailey sang the song along with me. I had tears streaming down my face. There is something about knowing your baby listens to you and absorbs what you're saying that is so touching. My little one, probably my last little one, did the same thing yesterday with the same familiar tune. It was magic all over again. Her teeny voice was so fragile and soft. It is those magical moments that video cameras cannot ever capture, but that we most wish we could remember. I want to cling to this one.